Love is Suicide.

Your hands in mine, look in my eyes, move the hair out of my face tell me another lie. Say again we will be just fine. Hold my heart, I gave it to you, drop my hand and push me back, turn around and watch it all go away.

All week it builds up inside in me, waiting for the weekend. Counting the hours in every single day until I could be on my way. I hit the road and drive straight to you, fast and in a daze, ready for you to knock me sideways as soon as I see you.

The familiar gravel under my tires reassures me that I am here and as my car hits park I jump out and look for you. Butterflies as the door opens and you walk out, and just like that I am wonderstruck.

And I want it back, I want; cold nights under the covers, you playing your guitar, your silly singing, the way my hands fit in yours, the way you call me babe…

Your hands burned holes into my skin when you touched me and it hurt me when I looked at you and it hurts me more now when I can’t look at you, and maybe we are right, but just not right now.

and I swear I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was to that extent, until I was asked, and before I knew it I was choking on the word as I covered my mouth and ate my words so I didn’t say it out loud.

This is the way

You don’t have to see someone everyday to be in love. You don’t have to look in their eyes everyday to be in love. You don’t have to touch them to be in love. You just have to feel it, feel it within you and that is love.

And I know it’s true, because we act insane about it. The circles that we run in are so repetive that the grass is worn thin from our footprints. Deciding whether or not we want to let go or hold on a little bit longer. Whichever is harder we will never know, because just when it starts to slip away we grab on again.

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

And this is the hardest thing I have ever seen, your not gonna make it to easy and I’ll never take it even if you gave it to me. But you miss me and you let me know, and you tell me you love me and then I say I have to go. Then we won’t talk and don’t even try to speak because the other never wants to feel inferior and  you want it all but I am not on your mind all the time. My shoulders are cold and my chest is tight because I’ll never let you inside and we fear each other, we are numb to it and we have been here before.

You tell me I’m crazy for wanting a guy like you, and I tell you you’re crazy if you don’t think you’ve always been the one, but you know I got other guys. And I know I’m stupid if I think you’re only talking to me, but you like to keep me right there by your side and I’m too tired to fight it. Tell me over and over you don’t know how you got someone like me, but this is the hardest because we can’t get past the beginning, to afraid of the end.

and just know I meant it. I know you by heart.

 

We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together.

 How I’m feeling, it doesn’t matter
Cause you know I’m okay
Instead, I ask myself “why do you hurt me?”
When you know, you know I’m the same
I know, I know that you don’t love me baby.

You’ll never learn, and don’t tell me everything’s harder for you. Must be tough living like you, to not give a shit like you, walking all over people and giving them the finger like you, saying how you don’t give a fuck or two. Give it a second, a minute, maybe a month, just wait it’s all going to catch up to you.

Intoxicated by the promise of a liar. You’ll never find another.

Farewell

You have to die a few times before you can really live.

I heard once the saddest thing you’ll ever have to face is watching someone that once loved you love someone else. Even sadder if you still love them. The problem is that you don’t love someone like that twice in your life, a love like that doesn’t happen again, you can never love someone like you loved them again.

I don’t want someone like you, I don’t want to ever look at anyone and think about you. That’s the point of moving on in your life. The second you see what’s not there and accept it, the moment you realize  you can’t want something that doesn’t want you back.

I care a lot though. More then I should. If you think I don’t hear about it, I do. You are mistaken if you don’t think words travel fast and my smile fades every time they reach me. And for that I will drown.

and in this moment, i am…

happy.

Happy when I can be. Happy when I let myself be. Happy when I try to be. I remeber though your not here. I wish you were here. Then I’d be happy.

So I just put on my favorite playlist. The soundtrack to all my love and fears that stay inside. I put it on repeat and let the songs play for you, the lyrics reach your soul and have your heart beat to the sound.

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This is the first song for your mixtape

This is basically a play list of my memories. Everything that has meant something to me when it happened, stayed around a while longer and then moments I have forgotten about, but remember when I hear the lyrics come through my speakers. Music can always get me through anything and is always something I turn to when I can’t find the words to say or the emotions to express. So this is the mixtape to my life.

1. So Contagious- Acceptance: I remember first hearing this song at a Halloween party my freshman year of college. It soon became my anthem for every boy that year who I “fell in love with” (which was about 10 different boys). Doesn’t make it very special to anyone in particular, except to my mess of a freshman year.
2. Prelude 12/21- AFI: This song has such an interesting beat to it which is why I like it so much and the beginning is somewhat eeire when it sneaks onto your speakers. The song itself is very short, only about a minute and half and doesn’t have many lines to it. The beginning just kind of reels me in though and the line of “kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep” is the coldest goodbye you could say to someone. It’s like I gave you my heart, gave you all of me and now you can keep it all, don’t remember me, because I am leaving you.
3. Sometime Around Midnight- The Airborne Toxic Event: A newer favorite of mine, it is pretty much how every girl always wants the boy she has left or who has left her to feel when she sees him again.
4. Painting Flowers- All Time Low: From one of my favorite movies, Alice In Wonderland. This is how I felt when my heart was broken. Sadly, I was confused and tried to see another chance, but it was just in my head that anything could be fixed. I was still trying to make it right though and wasn’t able to get over it for a while hence (still painting flowers for you).
5. Remembering Sunday- All Time Low: When you know you have hurt someone, and then just leave them with no explanation. It has happened a time or two to me, and I know I have maybe done the same to someone. Then finally the clarity hits you that it is over for you, but the other person is still there really just blaming themselves, and still searching.
6. Breathe (2AM)- Anna Nalick: I used to not like this song because it was played on almost every TV show or movie that had a sad scene. But, recently I have been really able to relate to it. To me this is a song that my best friend is singing to me, trying to help me through a broken heart. There is nothing more comforting then falling to your best friend’s shoulder when you need them to help pick you up. I know that my friend’s advice is pure and real because she has been there and would only offer me the best words she could give.
7. Car Underwater- Armor For Sleep: From high school definitely. Just the typical scenario of getting over someone to the point where you don’t even want to see them anymore. When you can’t make anything right anymore you just leave them even though you know you would still do anything for them.
8. Don’t Make It So- Automatic Loveletter: First, I love Juliet Simms voice more then any other female vocalist since I first heard her voice two years ago. The lyrics are so intense in this song. This is about the ending that I never wanted.
9. The Funeral- Band of Horses: Relates to about every person who has ever showed me their true colors that have been less then bright. It’s just like fuck well that is who you are and well I really don’t even want you around me anymore, because you lied to me and manipulated me into believing that you were someone greater then you were. So go on living how you are, but don’t try to make up with me, I just wanted you to know how malicious you are.
10. No One’s Gonna Love You- Band of Horses: I gave all my love to you. More then I have ever given to anyone else. For when I put it all out there for the one that just about killed me.
11. While My Guitar Gently Weeps- The Beatles: Simply beautiful.
12. Seventy Times Seven- Brand New: The lyrics are so childish that sometimes it just fits my mood. It is a real up-beat sound to a song where you’re telling your friend to go fuck themselves for screwing you over. At the end it is just like well I hope your happy, and that is really it.
13. No Lies Just Love- Bright Eyes: The real hope to any kind of relationship,”no lies just love”. As much as love can really kill you and can help you too. Fell in love with Conor Oberst’s lyrics when I was a junior in high school. He is so “emo” and deep that he really can relate to any shitty feeling that I have ever had. The piano in this song is enough to get the tears rolling by themselves.
14. Lover I Don’t Have To Love- Bright Eyes: Again another song where the piano can simply play by itself on repeat. I once wanted this kind of relationship and pretty much had it for most of my life. Where I was too much of a hard ass to give into anybody long enough to love them.
15. In Fear And Faith- Circa Survive: I love love love this song. This is where my idea of my tattoo “in fear and faith” came from. Just about moving on from everything. Move on from whatever is holding you back and whatever your holding onto.
16. I Never Told You- Colbie Caillat: I can’t even listen to this song for more then 15 seconds without getting sick to my stomach. It used to play at my work all the time and I would have to leave the room. It really gets me.
17. Such Great Heights- Confide: Even though The Postal Service released the more known version and less “screamy” side of it. The drums on this track make it hit that much harder. Definitely a song of my senior year of college. It simply means to me what it says “everything looks perfect from far away”. I wish that people wouldn’t just assume there is perfection lurking behind a pretty life. Take a look closer where suffering is hiding.
18. Lemon Meringue Tie- Dance Gavin Dance: The song that started my DGD love. It is what it is. “I don’t know why I fight for you this way”, a cry for help to the person you’re fighting for. You don’t know why you’re doing it because it is obviously not working, but yet you still do.
19. Stay or Leave- Dave Matthews Band: When I wanted to end something with someone, because I didn’t think it was the best idea. I was told to listen to this, and well I stayed.
20. Dreamgirl- Dave Matthews Band: Another song from a past relation-shit (haha play on words). Seriously is a really sweet song that I thought was just the cutest thing on the planet at the time.
21. Guinevere- Eli Young Band: I feel like this song really just relates to my life, not some of the but all the time. A few favorite lines: 1. “She’s got a handful of records that she turns to when she needs to land” 2.”She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets. she should have let some go by now but can’t seem to drop it. Says forgiveness ain’t nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul, that never rolls.” 3. “She once fell hard ’cause she dropped her guard, and no one gets to stay it’s just too late”
22. Rocket Man- Elton John: EJ is amazing to me, and I am disappointed in myself that it took me till about 22 to realize his lyrics and musical talents. This song makes me happy, because it is gives a little hope that you can be anything you want to be. Also, made me appreciate a synthesizer.
23. So Into You- Fabulous: Another song that was often quoted to me, that I always thought was wonderful at the time. Even though the song is over ten years old, I heard it for the first time last year, because I was told to listen to it. Of course I became a immediate fan because its R&B, and I am a sucker for “baby girl” and any kind of duet. However, “keep a grin on you now” always kinda creeped me and made me think of the Cheshire cat off Alice in Wonderland! Luckily, it is so old it is never played on the radio, except in NY….surprisingly a lot.
24. November Rain- Guns & Roses: Just 3 seconds short of nine minutes of pure glory. Of course the first minute and half is just instrumental. Wonderful might I add. Way to go Axl Rose, this is the greatest ballad ever sang, in my opinion. If you really listen, it could make you cry. By the way if you have never heard this song listen first then watch the music video and check out that wedding dress.
25. Johnny and June- Heidi Newfield: Give it up to Johnny Cash and June Carter, for being the love that I want. Yes, it was rocky as hell. But, damn did that Johnny love June.
26. Aqueous Transmisson- Incubus: At first this song just makes me feel like I am in China for some reason (probably because of the pipa). This is however a Brandon Boyd masterpiece. If you have nothing to do, stare at your ceiling for the good 7:47 time span that this song plays. Tell me if you don’t do some good thinking. In fact you don’t even have to think, Brandon thinks for you.
27. Wish You Were Here- Incubus: Obviously one of the best Incubus songs. To anybody I have ever wanted by me when they weren’t. Sometimes, and I know it is the way in which Brandon sings it, he really makes you feel like the one you want is next to you when they aren’t.
28. Spinning- Jack’s Mannequin: I love this song when my windows are down. Especially on a good drive back from Tyler. It’s just me, still lost. Just here trying to figure out something. Patience, it will come.
29. Kill- Jimmy Eat World: It amazes me that Jimmy Eat World comes out with poppy bull shit such as “It Just Takes Some Time”, and then they can hit you with this song. I remember this song most, sitting on the train from LI to NY, right before the train went into the tunnel. I would look out and see the city, and see the grey skies hovering above the buildings, the tops not clear yet because it was winter and there was hardly sun. My ipod in my hand and I would just listen, “So go on love, leave while there’s still hope for escape, gotta take what you can these days. There’s so much ahead, so much regret, I know what you want to say. I know it but can’t help feeling differently, I loved you, and I should have said it. Tell me, just what has it ever meant? I can’t help it baby, this is who I am. Sorry, but I can’t just go turn off how I feel. You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break. I know what I should do but I just can’t walk away.”
30. Edge of Desire- John Mayer: Leave it to John Mayer to sing just exactly how you want somebody and giving into love.
31. Heartbreak Warfare- John Mayer: The worst, unbearable pain, heart wrenching, stomach aching. Attempting to get over someone who hurt you and seeing them with someone else after you have been trying to fix it with them however they want you to.
32. Revelry- Kings of Leon: I feel like I listen to this song a lot when it rains. It first reminds me a lot of my Austin trips, then a lot of my senior year in college. Mainly because this cd was in my car player for about a year. This is a painful song, realizing that you were the one who ruined everything with a relationship that you cared about so much, but didn’t even know it because you were blinded by your own self.
33. Next 2 Ya- Kris Ivory: Again another R&B duet that really gets ya when your with the person you only wanna be “next to” if you will. Anyways, really it makes me feel bad about myself. So fuck this song, but I still like it. Also, I highly doubt this girl has made another hit song. Sorry Kris Ivory….try making a music video for this song and maybe your luck will change.
34. Blame It On A Sad Song- Lynryd Skynryd: A sad damn song. I listen to this periodically just because I love Lynryd Skynyrd thanks to my dad introducing me to him. I remember knowing every word to the songs at the concert my dad took me to and how he thought it was awesome that he saw them when he was a teenager and now he was with me seeing them again when I was 18 (except he saw the originals).
35. Stairway To Heaven- Led Zeppelin: If this song isn’t known by everyone or whoever is reading this, then I can’t even talk to you. Epic guitar solos. It’s one of those songs I like to listen to over and over again just to hear the different parts (especially guitar parts) of the song, because each time one of the parts hits me differently.
36. More Like Her- Miranda Lambert: Just straight up makes me cry. Made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Definitely wasn’t perfect enough, and should of tried to be different, not be myself. That the person that took a chance on me realized that they shouldn’t of even bothered in the first place.
37. Caraphernelia- Pierce the Veil: This song kind of calms me down when I am pretty moody or feeling kind of vindictive, or maybe it edges me on a little bit. Basically, it makes me feel like once things are over just let them be over, or maybe not, depending on how spiteful you’re feeling.
38. Creep- Radiohead: Due to my sophmore year through a little bit of my junior year of college I was really into Radiohead. I love this song because it really blocks out anything you’re thinking at the time and just makes you listen to the words and really feel it. It makes you want to be everything wonderful to someone and perfect in their eyes, because they are perfect to you.
39. Fancy- Reba McEntire: Any Reba song can really just be amazing, because well she is REBA. This one is for sure a tribute to me and Kasey though, not because we are well “fancy-ish” like the lady in this song. But because it is just one of those songs you sing loud as hell with your best friend at any time. Then whenever you hear it and your not with her you text her and let her know its on, “Dude, 99.5 change it, Fancy is on.” Infact we recently tried to karaoke this song, even though it didn’t go as good as we planned, we still sang it just as if we were in our car, windows down. Also, side note “Consider Me Gone” will also be sang just as loud by us!
40. Konstatine- Something Corporate: If you’re going to listen to nearly 10 minutes of a song and it isn’t classic rock, then this is the song to listen to. It doesn’t even seem like 10 minutes when it is over. I love this song, it is so confusing though, much like a relationship with mixed feelings. You say it’s over, but then you want to be with them, because the thought of them with someone else is too much. It is an epic love story in a song.
41. All You Wanted- Sounds Under Radio: I would listen to this song while walking on the streets of NY. It was such a perfect setting to me. So many people rushing by and it would just be me and my iPod, just the two of us when I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. For a while when I was broken, I really related to this song because it took me damn near forever to let go. I didn’t want to talk or be around anyone, I just wanted to be alone “I loose all my friends and wash away all the fractures I’ve displayed”. It was a comforting song to me at the time when I didn’t have anyone to turn to, I just thought that for one moment in one time it was once “all we wanted”, and that meant something to me.
42. This Photograph Is Proof- Taking Back Sunday: How I wanted people to know when I was blaming myself for everything bad that had happened. Just knowing that it will all catch up, guilt always catches you.
43. A Decade Under the Influence- Taking Back Sunday: A sweet feeling, that this boy is seeming to care so much about this girl not caring about what anybody thinks. But in the end being there is just never enough. Kind of how I feel a few times, that I’m just not enough and I am just filling the void of the moment. “I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you” – I do something I don’t want to and I don’t trust my gut, but when I am there you seem perfect to me.
44. The Other Side of the Door- Taylor Swift: Any T. Swift song can be played full blast. In fact I don’t think there is any other way to play her. This is my all time favorite though, because it relates to my stubbornness and how I always make people read between the lines because I try to not be that easy to crack. “The faded picture of a beautiful night”…a night that I will remember and everything bad that happened and running and chasing someone when they wouldn’t chase me back.
45. Slow Motion- Third Eye Blind: I don’t know what it is about this song, but I have two versions, this one and the Panic! At the Disco version. The lyrics are actually pretty messed up. There is that one line though “slow motion, see me let go” that I just love. It just reminds me to let go, that there is so many more messed up things that are happening that I need to just let go of the little things, and it will take me some time, but I will.
46. Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape- UnderOath: You don’t get many UnderOath songs with very little screaming, but this is one of them. It is a really great song. It just makes me wanna be thankful for the love I receive when I don’t even know I am getting it. People forget that UnderOath is a Christian band and this is one of the most beautiful and hope giving songs out of all their albums.
47. A Boy Brushed Red…Living In Black and White- UnderOath: Struggles, struggles and more struggles. The first UnderOath song I ever heard, and still my favorite.

So, that’s about it..probably not, tomorrow there will be another song that has captured my soul or one I have forgotten about, but it only takes that one second to make me remember. But here it is, good enough, 47 songs for your mixtape.

I don’t want you to come ’round here no more

I feel like the only thing that has my back these days are the walls of my bedroom. So silently I get up and shift, moving from one side of my room to the other. My head hits the wall every time I re-locate. Bang. Bang. Bang. My eyes staring at the ceiling, stinging with tears and getting blurry as I stare at my fan spinning round and round. I think to myself, “I am the living truth to your lie.”

I can take it, I can take each day as it comes. But, I can’t take feeling like it never mattered. I’m still here, but you lost track of who you are. The image you are is something we never thought would be . You win some, you lose some. For me, it’s different. I’ve lost who and what I used to know. I’ve lost the people I have loved before, but now, I cannot love anymore.  The things that meant something to me are gone…

So take it as a song or a lesson to learn
And sometime soon be better than you were
If you say you’re gonna go, then be careful
And watch how you treat every living soul

I am not afraid to get upset, I’ll show it. Tears, not scared to let them run down my cheeks. I am not afraid to let the pain get to me. I am not afraid to show you I am hurting and to let you rip on me time and time again when you don’t even know you’re doing it. I’m starting to get really good at pretending to not be afraid.

So I hide. I hide behind my music and the words on this page, because I don’t have much to say. I’m mad as hell, but I don’t have much to say. It’s really too late, but I don’t have much to say anyways. I hide, because I don’t have much to say.

“You’re the one who is weak. You will never know love or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.”

And because love and hatred exist side by side. I am asking you to show me the greater, because right now it hurts. It’s not just something I am making up, it is real, chest tightening, feel in the pit of my stomach, wake myself up at night, really breaks me down deep down inside and fall apart can’t pick up the pieces at my feet hurt.

I need you to show me that love is greater when my head reminds my heart that it is broken…

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I could feel my heartbeat taking me down

I’d rather stare into the blank sky, look across the ocean, count the stars, watch the trees blow in the wind for miles and see open spaces with nothing in them then come back into this life.

What’s it like? Someone tell me what’s it like. I wish I knew so I could understand, see from a different perspective. But I can’t and I don’t.

It just doesn’t stop. It hasn’t gone away. I’m struggling with trying to decide if I am ready to hear the truth or if I like it like this. No one knowing, me not knowing…They’ll never know. We will never know.

I don’t want it.

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
It’s getting hard to be someone but it all works out.
It doesn’t matter much to me.